When I Close My Eyes

Losing Joe has changed my life, there is so much of him missing every minute of every day. Joe gave my life air.

Sometimes, I lay in his bed and I close my eyes and I imagine him walking into his room asking me, “Ma, what are you doing? Why are you in my room? You’re being nosey huh?” I wish I would have knocked on his door more. I wish I would have came into his room and sat next to him, more. I wish I would have forced him to tell me what was going on in his life and whatever it is, we can get thru it together.

I recall one day I sat on his bed, as he was on his laptop, I told him, “a penny for your thoughts?” He just shook his head, “nope, got nothin today Ma.” I knew he was lying to me, I felt it in my soul. Are you sure, I asked him. Yupp, I’m good he told me. He was not telling me, I knew he was trying to make me believe he was fine, but I knew he wasn’t. I went outside to the garage, I told my husband somethings not right with Joe, I feel it. He needs to talk but not to me, can you please talk to him? There’s something wrong. Take him to go have a beer, or hit some golf balls, or go see a movie. Don’t worry, you’re always worrying, he told me. Leave him alone, Elaine! If he wants to talk, he will come to me but stop hovering! I walked away angry, hurt, fearful…that wasn’t the response I was hoping to hear. Tears rolling down my face, I walked back inside and knocked on Joe’s door again. Yes Mother??! I Love You, I said to him, just want you to know I Love you, Son. His response, “Momma, I know and I love you too. I’m fine, ok.” My heart knew he was not ok.

Sometimes I can feel my heart pumping so hard, I just know it’s going to burst out of my chest at any minute. But, then I get these feelings inside of me. I cannot put them into words, it’s as if I can FEEL him beside me. This light air will suddenly touch my neck. Or, a breeze floats by my face. It’s not the wind …because it’s 90 degrees outside! If I’m very still, I sense his breath and I look to my left then my right. Sometimes, I’ll put my arms out in front of me as if he is touching my hands. I’ll close my eyes and I feel as though he is right there before my eyes. As my eyes remain closed, I see his smile and I can feel my whole body floating as if I’m weightless! It’s absolutely the most beautiful feeling and I’m crying as I write this because those moments come and go. They don’t stay very long. I wish I could hold my son one more time. But, I got that wish already God granted me “one more minute.” I’ll share that minute in my next piece. It’s quite phenomenal!