The last day of 2020 started 7 minutes ago. It’s 12:07 am in the Pacific time zone. (Note: I wrote this on New Year’s Eve.) I completely forgot today is New Year’s Eve, I guess because it’s not such a big deal anymore. Celebrations of any kind are not the same anymore. It’s so quiet now. Hold on, I keep saying to myself, hold back those tears Elaine! Not yet, because I know once I start letting tears flow they don’t stop! So, I push them back down then let go once I’m alone.
My heart hurts just as much today as it did yesterday, and the day before that and the day before that day, it hurts all the time. Doesn’t matter what day it is, or the time of day, or where I’m standing or sitting at the moment; it’s constant pain. The only difference now is I’ve become good at masking. I love my daughters way too much to show them my pain, because they are my sole purpose for living.
A new year has arrived, I can’t think too far ahead or my whole body starts to shiver when my mind is telling me Joe is still not here. Doesn’t matter how busy I try to keep myself, Joe is at the forefront in every thought.
This is life today. I will keep trying, Joseph Anthony. I Love You to no end.
Losing Joe - Finding My Way Thru Grief 
For us, holidays will never be the same either. I’m happy when the family is together, but I feel there’s always something (someone) missing. And of course there is. It’s like looking at a family photo with a blank spot where my son should be.
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I know. We took family photos before Christmas. I didn’t want to but then came up with idea to include Joe by a portrait. It was better than taking pic without him even tho his spiritual presence is here
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