Holding On

The last day of 2020 started 7 minutes ago. It’s 12:07 am in the Pacific time zone. (Note: I wrote this on New Year’s Eve.) I completely forgot today is New Year’s Eve, I guess because it’s not such a big deal anymore. Celebrations of any kind are not the same anymore. It’s so quiet now. Hold on, I keep saying to myself, hold back those tears Elaine! Not yet, because I know once I start letting tears flow they don’t stop! So, I push them back down then let go once I’m alone.

My heart hurts just as much today as it did yesterday, and the day before that and the day before that day, it hurts all the time. Doesn’t matter what day it is, or the time of day, or where I’m standing or sitting at the moment; it’s constant pain. The only difference now is I’ve become good at masking. I love my daughters way too much to show them my pain, because they are my sole purpose for living.

A new year has arrived, I can’t think too far ahead or my whole body starts to shiver when my mind is telling me Joe is still not here. Doesn’t matter how busy I try to keep myself, Joe is at the forefront in every thought.

This is life today. I will keep trying, Joseph Anthony. I Love You to no end.

Published by Losing Joe - Finding My Way Thru Grief

My name is Elaine Suarez, I am a mother of 3 children; Joseph 27, Allie 25, Juliana 21. I’ve been married to the love of my life, Isadore, for 33 years. We’ve been blessed with three healthy and beautiful children. We raised our kids with unconditional love, joy for family, knowing our Catholic Faith, and the importance of working hard to achieve life goals. The five of us never left each others presence without saying, “I love you.” We are an extremely close family. On the morning of May 29, 2018, at approximately 11:00 am, I received a phone call from the coroner's office notifying me that our only son, Joseph Anthony Suarez, age 27, was deceased. And, just like that, in a matter of less than 2 seconds our life would never again be the same. Joseph (Joe) was only 27 and his life had come to an abrupt and devastating end. He is the eldest of three, our only son and only brother to our two daughters. This is my story of Losing Joe. Son, I love you to no end, Joseph Anthony Suarez. We will forever be a team my Jeh. ♥️i love u forever, your Meh.♥️

2 thoughts on “Holding On

  1. For us, holidays will never be the same either. I’m happy when the family is together, but I feel there’s always something (someone) missing. And of course there is. It’s like looking at a family photo with a blank spot where my son should be.

    Liked by 1 person

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